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Jokes anyone?

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WhaleTail
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Jokes anyone?

Post by WhaleTail »

Here is mine:

A blonde speeding down the highway gets pulled over by a cop who happens to be a blonde.

Cop: ma’am ! driver license, registration and a proof of insurance please.

Driver starts frantically digging in her huge purse and says: officer.. I cannot find my driver’s license, could you remind me? how does it look like?

Cop: it is square thingie with your picture in it.

Driver finds her make-up mirror, looks in it and hands it over to the officer.

Officer looks in the mirror: ma’am you could’ve told me you were a police officer, you may go.


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Last edited by WhaleTail on Sun Feb 23, 2020 3:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Aka: Watchout on WUS.
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Re: Jokes anyone?

Post by The Sultan of SoWhat »

A bum came up to me in the street and said he hadn't had a bite in three days.

So I bit him.

(Henny Youngman)
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WhaleTail
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Jokes anyone?

Post by WhaleTail »

As the patient was going under anesthesia, the surgeon stood over the patient’s head muttering: “be brave John, it will be all okay, you can do it”.

The patient slides the anesthesia mask off his face and tells the surgeon: but my name is Albert.

The surgeon replies: I am John.


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Re: Jokes anyone?

Post by tjcdas »

A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them. She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she can join them.

Naturally, the guys all agreed. Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, "Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you wants to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear or tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots.”

With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first. All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.

The father's mouth was agape. "That was beautiful," he said.

The blonde put her driver away and said, "I really didn't get into it and I have faded it a little." After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out a nine iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole. (She was closest to the pin.)

The son said, "Damn, lady, you played that perfectly."

The blonde frowned and said, "It was a little weak. I've left a tricky little putt." Before tapping in the five-footer for a birdie.

Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole and knocked the hell out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway.

For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.

When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and has a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par. She turned to the three guys and said, "I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course. If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole, I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 25-year old Royal Salute Scotch in him, fix him dinner and then show him an entertaining time the rest of the night.”

The yuppie son jumped at the thought. He strolled across the green, carefully eying the line of the putt and finally said, "Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup.”

The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. "Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and run it left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup.”

The old gray haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to the her and said, "That's a gimme, sweetheart. Your car or mine?
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Re: Jokes anyone?

Post by tommy_boy »

A skeleton walks into a bar.

Bartender: "What'll ya have?"

Skeleton: "I'll have a beer."

"And a mop."


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Re: Jokes anyone?

Post by The Sultan of SoWhat »

A white horse walks into a bar and orders a scotch.

The bartender says, "You know, we have a scotch named after you."

The horse says, "Really? A scotch named Ronald?"
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Re: Jokes anyone?

Post by MoT »

I was mugged by six dwarves last night.

Not happy.
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Re: Jokes anyone?

Post by WhaleTail »

A guy comes home toasted every night to his pet alligator, and as he opens the door, the alligator calls him on it: “DRUUUUNK”.

Frustrated by the smart ars alligator, he says: “mention that one more time and I will shove my arm in your mouth and grab your tail, and turn you inside out”.

Next day the same scenario played out as usual, so the guy not wanting to back down on the threat, forces his arm inside the alligator’s mouth, grabbing the tail and pulling it out of the alligator’s mouth.

The room goes quite, then the alligator goes: “KNUUUURD”.


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Re: Jokes anyone?

Post by tjcdas »

A yuppie was opening the door of his BMW when a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the yuppie complained bitterly about the damage to his car.

"Officer, look what they've done to my Beemer!"

"You yuppies are so materialistic, it's ridiculous" retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off."

"Oh, my God!" screamed the yuppie, noticing the bloody stump where his arm used to be. "My Rolex!"
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Re: Jokes anyone?

Post by tjcdas »

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City,

where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the

entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value

Of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper

may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to

the

next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first

Floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign

reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

"That's nice", she thinks, "but I want more."

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good

Looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking

And Help With Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help

With Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the

Sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men

on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are

impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives Store

just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
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Re: Jokes anyone?

Post by The Sultan of SoWhat »

A sailor walks into a bar in San Diego with a parrot on his shoulder.

The barman asks, "Where did you get him?

The parrot: "Oh, they're all over the naval base."
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Re: Jokes anyone?

Post by MoT »

“If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.”

W.C. Fields
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Re: Jokes anyone?

Post by The Sultan of SoWhat »

I don't remember which friend of Fields went to visit him in the hospital only to find him reading the Bible.

Amazed, the visitor asked, "Bill, what are you doing reading the Bible?"

Fields replied, "Looking for loopholes."
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Re: Jokes anyone?

Post by watchpalooza »

Why can’t dinosaurs clap?
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Re: Jokes anyone?

Post by Sporkboy »

watchpalooza wrote:Why can’t dinosaurs clap?
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I totally got that one.

Here’s something that struck one day while walking my dog. The plastic dinosaurs that I played with as a kid were made out of processed and refined dinosaur. Took me over 30 years to come to that realization.
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