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Jokes anyone?

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The Sultan of SoWhat
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Re: Jokes anyone?

Post by The Sultan of SoWhat »

Henny Youngman:

My wife asked me to take her some place she'd never been before.

I took her to the kitchen.
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The Sultan of SoWhat
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Re: Jokes anyone?

Post by The Sultan of SoWhat »

Credit (or blame) Tim Micallef of 590 The Fan radio in Toronto:

A woman is kneeling beside her recently-disceased husband’s coffin at the funeral parlor.

A man comes up to her and asks if he can say a word.

She agrees, and the man goes to the front of the room, clears his throat and says, “Plethora.”

“Thanks,” says the widow, “that means a lot."
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Re: Jokes anyone?

Post by yinzburgher »

The Sultan of SoWhat wrote: Sat Mar 28, 2020 12:47 pm Credit (or blame) Tim Micallef of 590 The Fan radio in Toronto:

A woman is kneeling beside her recently-disceased husband’s coffin at the funeral parlor.

A man comes up to her and asks if he can say a word.

She agrees, and the man goes to the front of the room, clears his throat and says, “Plethora.”

“Thanks,” says the widow, “that means a lot."
Ha! This one made me laugh way more than it should have. Gonna share this one. Thanks! 😂
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The Sultan of SoWhat
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Re: Jokes anyone?

Post by The Sultan of SoWhat »

yinzburgher wrote: Sat Mar 28, 2020 7:03 pm
The Sultan of SoWhat wrote: Sat Mar 28, 2020 12:47 pm Credit (or blame) Tim Micallef of 590 The Fan radio in Toronto:

A woman is kneeling beside her recently-disceased husband’s coffin at the funeral parlor.

A man comes up to her and asks if he can say a word.

She agrees, and the man goes to the front of the room, clears his throat and says, “Plethora.”

“Thanks,” says the widow, “that means a lot."
Ha! This one made me laugh way more than it should have. Gonna share this one. Thanks! 😂
--------

Hey Yinz!

With the work that you're doing, anytime I can bring a little lightness into your life, I am glad.
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Re: Jokes anyone?

Post by PetWatch »

Breaking News

It's been discovered that a plant stops the spread of Covid-19... plant your ass on a seat at home and keep it there.



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Re: Jokes anyone?

Post by watchpalooza »

Mom! I’m a 3d printer!
► Show Spoiler
And...

I'll never forget my grandfather's last words to me before he kicked the bucket.
► Show Spoiler
And finally...

If four out of five people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean there’s one person who enjoys it?
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’There is a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.’ - Leonard Cohen, Anthem
’One man's faith is another man's delusion.’ - Anthony Storr
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Re: Jokes anyone?

Post by The Sultan of SoWhat »

I stopped off at a roadside diner the other day and was amazed to see a four-footed beast preparing ham sandwiches.

The boss told me he was the Deli Llama.
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Re: Jokes anyone?

Post by tommy_boy »

watchpalooza wrote: Mon Mar 30, 2020 1:55 pm Mom! I’m a 3d printer!
► Show Spoiler
And...

I'll never forget my grandfather's last words to me before he kicked the bucket.
► Show Spoiler
And finally...

If four out of five people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean there’s one person who enjoys it?
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Just my $0.02 USD as always.
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Re: Jokes anyone?

Post by The Sultan of SoWhat »

Out of season, but what the heck.

Via George Carlin:

Why is Santa always so jolly?

He knows where the naughty girls live.
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Re: Jokes anyone?

Post by WhaleTail »

What did one house fly ask another?


Is this stool taken?


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Re: Jokes anyone?

Post by WhaleTail »

watchpalooza wrote:Mom! I’m a 3d printer!
► Show Spoiler
And...

I'll never forget my grandfather's last words to me before he kicked the bucket.
► Show Spoiler
And finally...

If four out of five people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean there’s one person who enjoys it?
The grandson was heard praying: “Lord...let me pass on in my sleep just like grandpa did....not loudly screaming like the passengers in his car.


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WhaleTail
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Jokes anyone?

Post by WhaleTail »

In the Coronavirus age;


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Re: Jokes anyone?

Post by tjcdas »

Couple old golf classics.


Two men are about to tee off when a funeral procession passes by. One guy stops, faces the procession, takes off his hat and holds it over his heart. After the procession passes, he puts his hat back on and tees off.

The other guy says, “Ya know, I never thought of you as a sentimental guy, but that was really touching.”


“It was the least I could do,” says the first guy, “especially since today we would’ve been married 35 years.”




Two men are in a bar talking and the first says, “Boy, sounds last week was a horror show for you, what with Donaldson dropping dead on the second tee.”

“Horror show, I guess,” says the second man. “All day long it was, ‘Hit the ball, drag Harry; hit the ball, drag Harry.'”
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Re: Jokes anyone?

Post by tjcdas »

Lena asks her boyfriend Ole to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, Lena tells
Ole that after dinner, she would like to go out and (vell ya know) for the first time.

Well Ole is ecstatic, but he has never
(vell ya know) before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection.
The pharmacist helps Ole for about an hour. He teaches Ole everything there is to know about protection and (vell ya
know). At the register, the pharmacist asks Ole how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. Ole insists
on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.

That night Ole shows up at the Lena's parent's house and meets her at the door. "Ole I'm so excited for you ta meet my
parents, come on in." Ole goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where Lena's parents are seated. Ole quickly offers to
say grace and bows his head. A minute passes and Ole is still deep in prayer with his head down. Three minutes of praying
pass and still no movement from Ole. Finally, after five minutes of praying with his head down, Lena leans over and
whispers to her Ole, "I had no idea you ver so religious."


Ole turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your fadder vas a pharmacist."
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Re: Jokes anyone?

Post by The Sultan of SoWhat »

The jokes below have been circulating around via email. But maybe some of you haven't seen them.

- My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.



- First time in history we can save the human race by lying in front of the TV and doing nothing. Let's not screw it up.



- Reminder: 9pm is the time to remove your day pajamas and put your night pajamas on.



- My cleaning lady just messaged to say she will be working from home and will send me instructions on what to do.



- We're about two weeks away from seeing everyone's true hair color.



- What's worse: two masked guys trying to rob you or your unmasked pizza delivery guy?



- I've almost completed my 90 day trial of 2020. How do I cancel?



- Day 3 without sports. Found a lady sitting on my couch. Apparently she's my wife. She seems nice

.

- Anyone else feel like life is being written by a fourth grader? "And there was this virus and everyone was scared. And then the world ran out of toilet paper. Yeah, and then there was like no school for a month."



- Anyone have a recipe to make toilet paper out of cauliflower?



- If you need 144 rolls of toilet paper for a 14 day quarantine, you probably should have been seeing a doctor long before covid-19.
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