MoT's WDF

The plastic surgeon was annoyed with the wealthy elderly lady that kept coming back every few weeks to tweak her face lift.

He explained this new procedure: a knob that is installed on the back of her head where she could turn it herself every few weeks to keep her skin smooth and free of wrinkles.

A few months went by without any visits from the lady, finally one day she came back “Doc I LOVE this solution, but I cannot seem to get rid of the bags under my eyes”.

The Surgeon takes a closer look at her face: “ma’am these are your breasts”.

The lady: oh dear, that explains the goatee.


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Wanna hear a Coronavirus Joke?


You won't get it!

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "Is this a joke?"

The Sultan of SoWhat wrote: ↑Sun Mar 15, 2020 11:31 am A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "Is this a joke?"

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a bar.

You'd think the rabbi would have ducked.

A giraffe attempted to go into a bar . . .

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he’s drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.
The bartender screams at the guy, “Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table — whole!”

“Sorry,” replied the guy. “He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I’ll pay for everything.”
The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.

Two weeks later, he’s in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did now?” he asks.
“Yeah,” replies the guy. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first.”

It's not technically a "joke" but it's pretty funny. I used to be one of those.

Sven and Ole are perched up in their stand deep in the woods. After several hours with no luck spotting any deer, Ole has to relieve himself.

In that moment, he realized that he forgot to bring toilet paper. He was quite far out from his truck, and it being the winter months, the trees were bare of leaves.

“Damn.” he says to Sven. “I really gotta take a crap, and I totally forgot the TP! I don’t think I can hold it much longer either!”

Sven replied “Well, do you have a dollar on you? It’s worked for me in a pinch once or twice.”

“Great idea!” Ole said as he was already climbing down from the stand. He quickly disappeared into the woods.

A half an hour came and went, and Sven was beginning to worry about Ole. Just before he was about to climb down and go look Ole, he hears a noise, and Ole comes crashing through the brush.

There stood Ole, wearing only his underwear and boots, holding his now completely ****-stained clothing. Utterly confused, Sven asks Ole, “What the hell happened? I thought I told you to use a dollar!”

To which Ole said “Nice advice I'm now covered in **** and I have 4 quarters stuck up my ass!"

A man walks into a bar with his dog.

"This is a talking dog. If this dog can answer my questions, who will buy me a drink?" he asks.

"You can have one on the house," the bartender says.

The man turns to his dog. "What goes on the top of a house?"

Dog: "Roof!"

Man: "What does tree bark feel like?"

Dog: "Rough!"

Man: "Who is the greatest baseball player ever?"

Dog: "Ruth!"

The bartender is clearly annoyed and snaps at the man. "That's enough. You and your dog, get out."

After the man and the dog are thrown out, the dog looks sadly at his owner. "Should I have said DiMaggio?"

Laurence Harvey told this joke about 50 years ago on the Tonight Show:

A London bobby was feeling ill during the middle of his shift, so his sergeant sent him home early.

When he got home, he went into the bedroom only to discover his wife in bed with three men.

"'Allo, 'allo, 'allo. What's all this about?"

His wife props herself up. "Oh, so you ain't talkin' to me now?"

The New Yorker (12/8/45)

A teacher going around the classroom asking each student to describe in a few words what their dad did for a living.

Tom: my dad is an engineer, he builds bridges.

Anna: my dad is a policeman, he puts bad people in jail.

And so it went on like this except for Johnny who sat quiet in the back of the room.

Teacher: how about you Johnny?
Johnny: my dad is dead.

Teacher: I am so sorry Johnny, but what did he do before he died?

Johnny: he turned blue and sh*t on the carpet.


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What did the the left butt cheek say to the right butt cheek?

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If we stick together, we can stop all this sh*t.

Wife: "How do I look?"

Hubby: "Compared to what?"

A man walks into a bar.

"OUCH!"